One door closing...another one opening

It's been 2 weeks since Tom and I have slept in the same house.  About 3 weeks ago, things in the Deputy house started to become stranger than ever.  Tom and I weren't speaking much, and things were more tense then ever.  Then came the weird questions from Tom.  How much we pay for this, or how does this work?  So I decided to confront him about it.  I straight up asked him, "do you want a divorce?" and while I knew that yes could be one of the responses I'm not sure I really expected it.

Tom and I don't fight.  We haven't had a fight in years.  Sure we disagree and will get mad at each other, but we don't argue, yell or fight it out.  We also don't have much affection between the 2 of us anymore either.  The last few years have been really hard on our marriage.  Between family issues, and him loosing his job, going to school and starting a new job, it became too much.  About 9 months ago we had talked about divorce.  Tom was getting ready to graduate and find a job and we were both very stressed out wondering what would happen in the future.  We decided to wait.  Wait until some sort or normalcy returned to our house.  Once Tom had graduated and found a job, things would be good again, right?  That was our plan anyway.  But there continued to be this wedge between us.  Basically we were roommates.  Living in the same house, paying bills together, raising our child together, but not connecting with each other.

Once he was able to admit out loud to me that he wanted a divorce, I was able to admit to myself and him that I wanted one too.  I've thought about it in the past.  How my life would be, but honestly it scared me more than anything else.  How would I support myself and my daughter?  Sure, I  have a good job, but together, Tom and I still struggled with money.  How could either of us do it on our own?  Since he has moved out, my emotions have been up and down.  It was hard for me to tell my parents that we had decided to divorce, and I haven't told the majority of my friends or family.  Most people I have told so far have thought I was joking.  I guess we did a good job of faking being happy.  For the most part I think I'm excited to see what my future holds for me.  But there is a huge part of me that is terrified that I will won't be able to do this on my own.  That I'll let my daughter down.

Lilly initially took the news very hard.  She kept saying, "I can't believe I'm loosing my daddy".  Once we convinced her that she was not loosing her daddy she's been better.  They are able to text each other, he comes by and takes her school some days and has lunch with her on others.  She has friends that don't get to see their dads except once or twice a year.  We promised her it won't be like that for her. 

Tom and I are getting along very well.  He is still helping out around the house.  We have several projects started that aren't finished that he says he will help me finish.  We have been talking or texting just about everyday.  The fact that we are not fighting over anything has made this a lot easier on us both.  I can't imagine trying to get everything done while having to put up with the hatred and bitterness that other couples have. 

One thing I have struggled with is whether or not to change my name back to my maiden name or leave it as his.  I spoke to my daughter and asked her if she would prefer my name remain the same as hers or if I could change it back.  She said it didn't matter to her, so I should change it back.   

Tom and I have almost been married 11 years.  We both feel like we have put everything we could into this marriage.  We made it through times that I'm sure other couples would have given up on.  I think that fact that we are ending this marriage peacefully and friendly is a win for us.  I can't think of  this as a failed marriage, because of this marriage we have a wonderful daughter, and many years of wonderful memories.  How could that be failure?

Birchbox

A few weeks ago I heard about Birchbox on the radio.  Basically you sign up on-line and for $10 a month they send you a box of samples from high end beauty companies.  Two things I love samples and mail.  I love getting any type of mail.  If we don't get mail one day, I'm truly disappointed.  So I signed up.  I got my Birchbox today.  Here is what it contained.

A cute little box.

A letter from the company.

Details about what the box contains and the price of the full sized item.

The first peek at the box.  On top is samples of enriched intensive foot cream and a card promoting a music artist.

Next up is a big bag of bath salts.

Then there is a lash activator, toothpaste, brow brush (I forgot to take a picture of that) and lip balm.

If you like any of these products you can order them from the Birchbox website and get points for your orders and then use those points.  Details on the points are below.

Current exchange rates:

Each 100 reward points can be redeemed for $10.00.
Each $1.00 spent will earn 1 reward points.
Each earned reward points record expires in 365 days.

So there is the scoop on the Birchbox.  I think it's fun, worth checking out for at least one month.  I'll probably do it another month or two.

Scavenger hunt Sunday *inspired by Carla

My friend Carla does a photo scavenger hunt every week.  I thought it looked like fun.  Here is my first one.


1 - chocolate  - Hersey's Drops.  They are yummy

 2 - numbers

3 - Canned food - our dogs favorite treats

4 - music - Dear John Soundtrack is my favorite these days

5 - Stacks - Nicholas Sparks is my favorite Author.

Greatful

This week has made me greatful for some very special people in my life.  When I was 12 I moved from Germany where my parents were stationed to come live with my grandparents in Indiana.  I am very greatful for that for many reasons.

1 - I got to know my grandparents on a different level.  Most grandkids are spoiled rotten by their grandparents then sent home to their parents.  I was able to be spoiled rotten by my grandparents and then stay.  I got to spend some very special time with my grandma in her kitchen watching her cook, telling her about my day.  I got to have weekly dinners out with just my grandfather.  He is a very quiet man and over 3 years I learned a lot about him at those dinners.  The other grandkids probably never had that opportunity and I feel a little special for that.

2 - Being a military family I didn't grow up close to my extended family.  I saw most of my aunts, uncles and cousins about once a year or every other year.  After living with my grandparents I got to see the extended family during all the holidays and some of them every Sunday at church.  I'm grateful for having the chance to become close to many of them. 

3 - I found my 2nd and 3rd families.  My 1st day of the 7th grade I met 2 incredible girls, Amber and Megan.  For the next 3 years, if they weren't at my house I was at their house.  We were joined at the hip.  Megan and I did gymnastics together, Amber and I were on the color guard together.  Their parents became my stand in parents.  Butch and Tammy, Rick and Brenda were always willing to put up with all of us.  We probably put them and my grandparents through hell for 3 years.  But we all 3 knew that any of them would do anything for any of us.  This weekend both Amber and Megan and their parents came to stand by me at my grandma's funeral.  There were over 200 people at that funeral, but they were the ones that meant the most to me.  Knowing that we have a bond that 15 years and 1100 miles hasn't broken makes me so happy.  I hope that I will be able that person in one of Lilly's friends as she grows up.

Rest

Today my grandmother lost her very short battle with cancer.  I feel a sense of relief.  She was in so much pain the past few weeks.  Unable to eat or drink anything.  Unable to care for herself.  Unable to fight back.  I don't think it has fully set in for me yet.  I feel a little ... numb.  Tomorrow my parents and I will head to Indiana to lay her to rest.  This will be the 1st time in 30 years, I will go to Indiana, to my family home and she will not be there.  I can't imagine my family without her.  She was our center.  We will be lost without her.

Over the past few weeks I've had to have some very difficult discussions with my 7 year old daughter.  At first we just told her that grandma was very sick.  Then that grandma was not going to get better.  The other day we were explaining how the end would be how we would have to bury her in the ground and I think it finally set in with her.  She lost it.  She cried so much, it broke my heart.  I had hoped that she would have been around long enough to see Lilly become a woman. 

To my grandma, I love you more than words could ever express.  You were my rock.  I will miss you and remember you everyday.  Thank you for everything you did for me.

To the cancer that took her - you suck.

 

Waiting...

Wednesday we received a phone call that my grandmother had taken a turn for the worse and that we should hurry home.  Mom, Dad and I left Texas Thursday morning, and drove straight home to Indiana.  Friday morning mom and I went to the nursing home where she was temporarily staying.  She actually was better than we expected.  She was sitting up in bed and talking.  She is noticeably more tired than normal.  She is very weak, she is not eating or drinking very much.  The cancer is so advanced and progressing every day.  I never expected to loose her so soon. 

I've only been to a handful of funerals.  All involved the person passing rather suddenly.  I'm having a hard time deciding which way it better.  I wouldn't want to know my day a numbered.  I would feel like everyone was sitting around waiting for me to die.  But, at the same time, knowing would allow you to take care of all the final details and let everyone know how much I loved them. 

My grandma was such a special person in my life.  I lived with her for 3 years when I was a teenager.  I come stay with her for a week every summer.  We talk for a hour every week on the phone.  I can't imagine her not being there.  I can't imagine Lilly not having her in her life when she grows up.  Who will hold my family together after she is gone. 

The plan is to return home for a while...and wait.

A mint on your pillow

My parents (mostly my dad) puts a mint on Lilly's pillow when she goes to stay at their house.  That is the highlight of her visit there.  So the last time she went to stay the night there she wanted to put something on their pillows.  So now its turned into a little game.  When we go to their house to visit for the afternoon, she'll sneak in their room and put some trinket on their pillows.  Last weekend it was seashells.  Tonight my parents came over for Tom's birthday and my dad snuck into Lilly's room and left her hair barrettes and travel shampoo and conditioner.  It made Lilly happy to find her little treasures.  I hope this is a game they keep going for a while.  Its a little reminder that something so tiny like a mint or a seashell can make someones day.